I am there for you - Deepak Salwan

Just like that, it happens! It takes just that one moment, one loss to bring you to a watershed moment  when the whole chemistry of your brain changes. The imbalance of the  neurotransmitters, the altered state of your mind, your thought process, your emotions; all of it get a name - Depression! The event which brought you to that state, seizes to matter after a while but you are left with a heart with all its layers, bare open. The brain, starts to loose its rationale thinking and heart starts to rule the mind. The line between what is real and what is your reality starts to blur.

The Science : 

Brain (which always had my reverential respect - I once wanted to be a neurosurgeon), as we all know, is a complex organ with myriad neural pathways built over a lifetime of experiences, learnings, emotions, actions and some aspects of us which we are born with. Three major neurotransmitters- Serotonin, Dopamine and Oxytocin play a major role in our emotional well-being, how we feel and how our mood and thought process is regulated. The balance of all three, goes for a toss. While it goes way deeper and it's bloody riveting but I'll stop the science here. 

The Feeling: 

A dark cloud starts to hover over you - all the time! You feel constant sadness and an overthinking brain never shuts up. Forget being happy or being joyful, even the the autonomous processes like breathing become laborious and hard. Tears well up for no reason, getting sleep is difficult, getting up in the morning is an effort and you feel that you are lugging a massive weight of your feelings. And with all this, you are putting up multiple facades of your roles in life - A father, a mother, a son, a friend, a professional etc. You play your part in the life's drama but at the end of the day, you are searching for yourself. You just sleep to end the day. 

Life doesn't stop being itself - it brings its ups and downs and while you get some high from Ups, it's ephemeral. The "downs" will feel like you are being kicked while you are already down rolling in the dust. The worst part - people remind you(with all their honest best intentions) about what a joy you were once, how great you were .... yada yada. It hits you hard because that's exactly what you don't feel while you are going through depression's throes.  

People, your people - not knowing what to do, start to give you practical advice,"Gyaan", but you already know all that because you are struggling to get to that normal. Not even the closest to you can comprehend your pain and every relation starts to crack. Not only you but everybody around you start to get tired of the constant deluge of emotions. You are reduced to a mere shadow of what you were once. 

Then there are matters of heart. You feel like a beggar looking for love, solace and peace everywhere. But you don't go out asking for it. The heart lays bare open - It is honest about what and who it likes and doesn't. The banal conversations don't make sense and you just look through people while you just put up a smile on your face.  

The Good Part: 

Not all of it is gloom n doom. In this state of mind, good transformations happen. You start to clear people and things, which don't matter in your life anymore. In the process, you start connecting with new faces and start doing things out of sheer desperation and suddenly, new doors start to open ; new hope start to kindle. A lot of creative aspects about you will surface. A new warrior emerges! 

The Fight: 

"Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong" - Winston Churchill. It's a personal battle; it's a fight of you vs you. A 'you' which is a tired soul and a 'you' which doesn't want to give up. You' will cry in front of a mirror but will plead you to stay and dig your heels in this fight. The days come when you are at the edge and want to throw a towel and call it quits; nothing or no one matters that day, you just want to end this constant pain and sadness but you search for every "why" to remain in this fight. This is a debilitating fight; no wonder many hopes are lying there with slashed wrists, hanging with noose around their necks and going to an eternal sleep using sleeping pills. But some solitary trees don't give up. This battle, especially among two worthy opponents, is of epic proportion!

What Helps : 

Clinically speaking - one has to get meds; the prescribed anti depressants keep your brain in a rationale state of thinking by ensuring that brain has enough Serotonin. Doing small chores like cleaning, cooking helps with Dopamine fix. Hugs, cuddles and even a good session of sex (not joking here) is going to fill your brain with oxytocin but the question is - are you in a state to love or  be loved ? So, if you can haul your ass out of your bed and manage to shut your brain, running and weight lifting are two pills which are going to get you going. Running helps with release of Serotonin and Weight lifting helps to get the much-needed endorphins; body's own antidepressant. Meditations help quieten an overthinking mind. While one can try drowning the sorrows in alcohol but it's the biggest depressant and will get you down the next day; avoid it!!

Now, It's me talking to you. You must have said this to someone you know who is going through this - "I am there for you", "I am just a phone call away". But to that person, it's just a message on his/her phone. When that person feels the need, he/she is in a lacuna - they want to talk, but they don't want to feel like a beggar, so they don't call, unless they are desperate. They are getting drenched in the rain and you are offering them a mere umbrella. If you can't walk in this rain with them , don't even utter the words - "I am there for you"; nothing feels more empty than these words. 

As for me, It's been nine years. Neither this dark cloud is going away nor I am relenting....