Are Women More Complicated Than Men? - by Atul Singh

There is value in challenging some basic precepts handed out to us in the name of common knowledge. There are innumerable examples of those with questionable credentials. The reason they survive is likely lazy thinking on our part. Often we make no effort of opening the nice-sounding package of words we have received, examining its contents, poking, prodding, and testing the substance of it. We hand them to the next person in the same pristine shape we received, and so the myths continue.

  
Granted that, at first blush, many of them seem to be accurate, just as much as the Earth is flat looks true. Only when one checks their veracity do cracks emerge and, in many cases, just with some simple hammer taps of sound logic, the precepts break down. "Women are more complicated than men" falls in the same category, in my opinion. 

Now, if you have already revolted at the notion of me challenging this obvious truth or perhaps have even bolted by now, we don't have much to say to each other! However, we can explore it together if you indulge me with an open mind.

The word complicated means hard to understand, abstruse, or difficult to make sense of. But it has two connotations. One is that something does not line up or reveal itself fully when common sense and its methods are applied. For example, an advanced calculus problem, Quantum Mechanics, or even Brain Surgery is complicated. It requires training to understand. However, the beef women get is for the worst kind, wherein complicated not only implies abstruse but lacking logical underpinnings. This is insinuated especially in a in a man-woman relationship context where women, unlike men, are suggested to be more complicated, i.e., behave erratically, unpreditably and illogically sometimes, and even the of best men can't make head or tail of it. Needless to say, I couldn't disagree more.

Every human being has personality layers derived from genetics, experience, memory, habits, environment, and other causal forces. So, it isn't possible to generalize a person's behavior and thinking beyond a certain point. Here, the attempt is being made to see whether, in general, and on average, women's responses to situations and their behaviors are more complex, complicated, or unpredictable than men's. The validation of such an assertion lies in whether the behavior can be traced easily to its logical underpinnings. If so, then the behavior would be predictable and understandable. Else we would clasify it unpredictable, i.e., haphazard, irrational, and arbitrary.  

Okay, let's start with some foundational pillars of what drives a man or woman's emotional well-being in a relationship context. Women derive muchbof their relationship value from being loved, pure and simple. It is in their nature to understand the purity and completeness of that emotion based on how they are wired, maternal instinct, and all. When they see it, they recognize it. Conversely, when they see only pieces of it, they recognize that too and respond accordingly.

Another part of a woman's psyche, perhaps less well documented, is a need to respect their partner. This may be as elemental a need as the first one. In the same fashion, it can't be faked either. Either the man can earn it or not. 

Similarly, a man's need for respect from their partner is well documented, and there are even pithy statements such as "Men live for respect while women live for love." This statement seems true but needs to be completed. What is not stated in the same breath, but should be, is that men have an equally potent desire to have someone they can genuinely shower their love and affection on. They need an object of their passion. Unfortunately, that cannot be faked for any extended time, i.e., they can't pretend to love someone if they don't. They are bad fakers, these men. 

If you indulge me on these basic premises, we can move on to what men and women find perplexing about each other's behavior, especially in a relationship context. Whichever way you slice and dice it, the rap that women get is that their behavior, many times, is unpredictable, perhaps irrational, too emotionally charged, and bereft of logical underpinnings, unlike men's, of course. My proposition is the exact opposite. Women's behavior is neither of those and has just as sound a logical grounding and predictability as men's or even more. I understand that these are broad sketches, and many of you, especially women, have already given up on me on ever winning this argument. I ask for your patience. The fact that women's behaviors are more complicated than men's is a broad sketch, too, which we intend to dismantle here. We are exploring both their reflexive and deliberate behaviors.

My first argument is that women do not get accused of all that irrationality towards their children. Does this give us a pause at all? If the previously duscussed assertion had merit, was true it would apply to all areas of her life. This irrationality accusation is also not meted out to or holds water in her work role. I have not heard of a woman business leader making an illogical, irrational, emotionally charged business decision. If anything, more men than women can be accused of it and legitimately so. But if we discount that because of the number of men in leadership positions versus women, we can have that even out.

My second argument is that a woman's right or wrong behavior can be explained. A casual observer can tie it to what happened before the blowout, outrage, crying, or what have you. (Aren't these responses given as evidence of her being off the rocker in a relationship context sometimes?)The fact is that a woman seeks honest and complete love from her partner, and if her partner's behavior repeatedly points to the opposite, a gaping hole in her most significant and earnest psychological need opens up. So it builds up, and at some point, there is the proverbial last straw, and there is a fallout. A guy does that when repeatedly humiliated in big and small ways by his partner. When repeatedly thwarted, his paramount need for respect brings about a strong response eventually. No attempt is made here to justify anyone's emotional reaction or outrage. My concern is whether it can be explained or is it random. I submit that it most often it can be safely traced to a root cause without anyone being being Sigmond Freude here. And so, she is not unpredictable, irrational, mercurial, or anything. She is just responding to stimuli in a very predictable manner. 

Another aspect of her response/behavior complex is her inability to respect her man genuinely. Remember her second need? She has a father, perhaps brothers, colleagues, neighbors, and friends. She sees the standards at which they operate in life. Her guy has to measure up, or the second set of behaviors comes into play. The verbal and nonverbal slights, alone or with others, are all a function of this gaping hole in her being. You see, when she tied her fortunes with you as a life partner or even a boyfriend, you became an extension of her. Justifiably or not, just like her children and her house, you too represent her now in her mind. So, if you are not making a sustained effort to measure up, you will receive her slights. This is not to say that it is justifiable behavior. All I am saying is that it is explainable behavior. 

Oh! But Atul, you don't understand. What about all the crying, spontaneous or otherwise? What about all the jealousies she harbors? What about her being upset about seven things simultaneously and unloading those on you in the middle of the night? My response is, so what? She is emotional, does not compartmentalize as you do, and protects her turf as the sole agent of carrying the species forward. This basic understanding rationalizes those responses. They are not illogical responses; they are emotional responses. There is a big difference. As a man, you also have a slightly different emotional side. Remember, the mine is more significant than yours conversations and choices you have made since you were three. Remember the 4000 BTU grill you bought because your friend had bought a 3000 BTU one, the oversized bike you spent junior’s college funds on, sitting on which you look like a mosquito? The 3000 dollar Golf set? Your emotional paradigm is to gain "respect" and admiration from those around you. You live for that. 

The point is that it is not random, illogical behavior in both cases. It is very understandable behavior if you do not discount the emotional part of her and your being as something less and opposite of logical. It is just a different part of you and drives predictable responses, perfect or not. 

Lastly, I have seen women being more committed in a fair relationship, willing to give more of themselves. However, even in those equations, I have seen men risking the entire edifice of home and stability that has taken years and years to build for a casual encounter. Granted, a man needs to sow those wild oats, and men naturally seek variety and thrill in that context. But in our society, we have accepted specific rules of the game. Thwarting those rules precipitates consequences. Risking those consequences on a chance encounter, you tell me if it is rational or not. Women do less of it, especially if the relationship is intact and the man does everything he knows to do: love, cherish, and support her. I can't say the opposite is equally true, i.e., he is equally invested when she gives him respect and is the best doll she can be for his loving. Is that a logical behavior? Explainable, yes, perhaps, but is it rational? Not so sure. (I speak of my experience of a sample of men and women in small numbers, not you in particular. So please, Mr. Genghis Khan, put down that sword) 

The idea here is not to knock on men. The idea is to bust a myth and give more breathing room to our girls to be themselves. The idea is to normalize everyone's emotional being and reaponses thereoff. So all of us, men and women, can step forward more confidently than before, as we deserve to.