A Daughter, A Wife, A Mother…. And the Guilt 

by Leena Kundnani

 

Of the countless roles that I play, some of the most prominent ones are that of a wife, a mother, and a daughter. Not to mention that of a working professional. All these roles get intertwined with each other, each of them vying for time and attention. Often, I feel I am not doing justice to a particular role I am supposed to play, when another needs to be given more priority. This is more so when some of the roles are miles away from each other and physical distance makes it more difficult to maintain a balance. Somehow, I am never content playing whatever role I am playing.

I still remember so vividly one day in August 2017 when I got to know my dad had a fall and fractured his back. But questions of should I leave my then 7-year-old alone here in the USA to visit my dad as well as be a support to my mom tormented me. Or few years before that, when my dad had to undergo a pacemaker surgery, my options were to take my 5-year-old to India (how or where do I leave her in India while my dad is in hospital was something I had to figure out) or simply stay back in the US while part of my heart is miles away in India?  Leaving my kid in the USA was also not an option as my husband had to travel as part of his job. So which role should I play – that of a mother and a wife supporting my husband as he pursues his career, or that of an only daughter to be with my parents in time of need?

I often wonder why is it that whatever role we play, we women always feel as if we are not doing justice to the other? Maybe it’s because of the social pressure we women face. Or the high standards we hold ourselves against. For example, when my husband used to travel to India to visit his parents, all he had to do is to organize his office meetings and arrange for the tickets. But on the two occasions I have taken a solo trip to India since moving to US in 2013, I have been plagued by the guilt of leaving my kid alone and of burdening my husband with additional work such as cooking and driving my kid to afterschool classes. Maybe the keyword here is “my” while the kid is “ours”? I mean, on his trips to India, I pretty much did the same things -  Like cooking, cleaning, and taking care of after school activities single-handedly while managing my job, right? Then why is the guilt only mine? That too when I am lucky to have a husband who fully supports my decision to make a solo trip to India. Maybe it’s the relatives or friends who exclaim “Oh you’re so lucky you’re going to India sans kids” So nice of your husband to let you do that!!! Ever heard of guys say to each other how lucky they are to go to India on their own without their wife or kid? I wish there was some way we women stop feeling guilty for taking these solo trips for our family back home.

 

Comments

  1. AnonymousSeptember 25, 2023 at 9:39 AM

    Very well put! Trust me , menfolks too feel this guilt. Maybe we are wired differently and the feel of this guilt is different but it’s felt by men too. But I hear you. Take your partner for granted and try not to hold on to any guilt. Jee le apni Zindagi Simran - guilt free !! 🙂

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    Replies
    1. AnonymousSeptember 25, 2023 at 11:41 AM

      Sorry if I have offended anyone… I didn’t mean to say men don’t feel the guilt but somehow I hardly see my girlfriends go to india to visit parents solo, while I have done this just 2 times in over a decade and while in India my entire focus was on my kid anyways.

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