The other side of Friendship Day - Atul Singh

Much is made about friendships. That they are important, that they are so fun, that they matter and outlast every other bond one might have such as marriage or even with siblings and cousins. We make movies about friendships, have songs dedicated to them. We even have a day dedicated to friends called “Friendship Day”, I understand. I wasn’t aware of it, until today, when I got some social media messages to the same effect. “Happy Friendship Day” it said. 

While many of us are clearly blessed in this arena, and I count my blessings for the same, what about those that don’t have friends. It is such a stark statement that my hand even paused a bit before punching in the letters. No friends? How is it possible? What’s wrong with you that you have no friends is an instinctive response. Yet, it is true. A large swath of people young and old live with absolutely limited  or no friends. It may be their age and age related confinement, it may be some unique circumstances like moving a lot with parents’s job etc. or it may be post Covid aftermath, that has included breaking of older bonds but newer ones proving to be too hard to create. Western societies are plagued with loneliness due to their structure at an epidemic level. Yet we only see the numbers and philosophize about reasons but fail to see the human distress underneath, and so fail to do our part. 

So what is our part? 

Let me leave this question hanging out here for a little bit, because we all need to get to our own answers for this. 

We all like “cool”. Cool clothes, cool parties, cool people. The good looking, articulate, funny dudes and dudettes. We want to be them, congregate around them and want to be friends with them. But there is always a guy or a gal at the party who does not have the right words that day. He or she thinks and knows that they are the odd ones out. They are not dressed right, they are overweight, they don’t do the fancy activities that these other folks do or have those hot jobs or stock market tips, or what have you. They appreciate the hi and bye that you will do to them, while looking for the right person to have conversation with, to enjoy your evening. They see it all. They are lonely only, not stupid. And they are the lucky ones too. They got invited to the party. For one such “odd man out” at the social event, there are a hundred that never got invited. They are home and have forgotten what a fun social event looks like.

So what can we do? 

And then there are the parents who are too old to be mobile, are confined to their own homes and nursing homes. Purely one hundred percent dependent on kids and nursing staff to have a conversation. 

Our society is like a self healing fabric of sorts, each thread in there representing each one of us, in some way drawing sustenance and enery from the whole. Some of those threads age out and new ones form, and some atrophy because the links with rest of the fabric are broken. It’s like that 7th or 8th duckling that gets left behind. And it gets left behind more and then more. And …alas, it was not made to experience life purely on its own. That’s why nature created 8-9 of them at the same time. But nature is impersonal and can be cruel… 

How about us though? Are we the same? 

I think we socially never ever really grow out of the school yard. There is the cool gang, there is the smart gang and there are patches of friendships based on common hobbies and interests. But then there is always a few kids that are perhaps just new to the school, have some home situation, are too fat or too thin, have a weird laugh, strange choice of clothes….whatever. They too are hungry to be part of life’s fabric. Just as much as the rest of us. 

The only difference I think between a school yard and a grown up yard is that, the numbers may be much larger in grown up yard. Don’t believe me? Pay attention to your neighborhood and workplace. You may be surprised. 

And if you think an adult’s suffering with loneliness is devastating, take a look at a child’s. It will wring your heart out, because in their mind it’s all their fault of course. 

Really now, what is our responsibility towards all those?

I think it may be to have a few new folks enjoy “Friendship Day” by next year, rather than dread it. It may help.  What do you think?

It may be time after-all to pull down the virtues of “compassion” for those that may be less fortunate than us at this point and “gratitude” for the friends we have. We may have these virtues neatly stacked away, on the high shelf, amongst the other high falutin’ virtues we worship, but not practice.